Sisterly Sweetness

My Saturday so far has been awesome!
I've been hanging out with Hannah the whole time. We have been constantly back and forth between the trampoline and the basement. But one time, I was upstairs getting something. Then Hannah walks in and here is our conversation:

Hannah: You have been really nice to me today Kayla
Me: You have been really nice to me. You see, when you are nice to me, I'm nice to you.
Hannah: [silent]
Me: Do you like it when we are nice to eachother?
Hannah: Yeah. I love you Kayla.


Man, that just made me feel so much better. (:

Hm Hmm!!!! [clears throat]

Okay. This post is going to be about EVERYTHING in my life at the moment. The past 2 posts have been pointless and vague. This post is going to go into everything. All my thoughts, everything. I just don't know where to begin. Hmm...
I will start with the first piece of drama that has been going on for 2 months or more now.
It is with a girl named Emily. I have to say, we have been in fights and friendships atleast 10 times this year. Not just me and her, its between a few people. Me and my "friends" (I will get to the quotes later) finally got tired of her talking about everyone behind their backs. Whenever we were friends, she would talk about people. Like they had no feelings or anything. It was awful. I can't be around somebody like that. It made me sick. She even talks about her 'friends'. So we stopped talking to her. Now she is getting stupid. She keeps going to the dean saying we are doing stuff that we are not. Atleast I haven't. I don't know about my "friends". I haven't been with them that much. But 2 of my "friends" keep getting called down to the deans to talk about stuff. It's been like 6 times now. And Emily cries, so it gets everyone on her side. Really, she does stuff to us. She shoots us dirty looks and laughs at us and whatever else you can think of. Seriously... grow up. But yeah, so because we don't cry, the teachers are on her side. Whatever, I'm done.

Next is with the drama that started last night. This is where the quotes come in. My "friends" aren't my friends anymore. ;) They are all mad at me because of something I DID NOT DO. One girl named Emma got her first kiss Wednesday, but she didn't want anyone to know... so of course I wouldn't tell. I don't tell secrets. But somebody started a rumor that I did it, so they are mad at me. And I wouldn't really care, except they are mean about it. Like in gym, they would whisper in each others ears, then look at me and laugh. I cried so much today. I swear they have no feelings for others. I didn't realize it until now. Like the girl Emma told my real friend Katie "Oh yeah Kayla...? I F@#$ing hate her." So I guess she doesn't like me? That just gets me to cry too. Ohh, and she is cousins with the boy I like and who likes me. (: So I'm guessing she will tell him something which will make him not like me. If any of you are wondering - it IS nick who I went out with before. Yes, I like him again, he likes me again.(: We spent the weekend together with Emma. It was fun. He's really nice to me. I'm not gonna go all sappy and sound cheesy. But uh, I've realized something about "going out". It's just a label. Me and Nick kind of act like we are going out, we just don't put the label on it. I mean, whats the difference between going out and being friends? We talk like people. But anyways- I'm off topic. Back to the point, I have no friends at school. Pretty great huh? Argh. See, I know its my friends time of the month. ;) But I don't think that will change anything anyways.

Well, I might as well talk about the weekend. My four* day weekend. It started Sunday. Haha. Sunday I went with Emma, Nick and Angelica (our friend) to Emma and Nicks aunts house. More like farm. She lives on a farm. I've been there before too. It's REALLY fun. We go dirt biking and four-wheeling. So we get there sunday and immediatly get on the dirt bikes and quads. Then comes the fun part. Night was the best. Originally we had a 3 room tent where the 4 of us were going to sleep, but Angelica kind of peed her pants in it, and it was all over the floor. So then the 4 of us ran to the car in the pouring rain. We stayed in there for like 3 or 4 hours. Angelica and Emma sat in the front 2 seats, Nick took the back seat and I took the middle. Then we layed down the seats in the back and all 4 of us went in the back. Then Emma went back to the front and eventually Angelica went back too. Then Emma peed on the drivers seat. NOT ON PURPOSE.* She laughed too hard. Me and Nick were so close to peeing too, but we know how to old it. :D And it was POURING rain so we couldn't go in the camper. By the way, Emmas parents and little brother and his friend were in the camper, so there was no room for us. Haha. But yeahh, we REALLY had to pee. and the car got super hot. We were all sweating. Then I found a bottle of water and me, Emma and Nick poured it on ourselves. Man it felt so good. The whole time, we were constantly trying to roll down the windows and open the door. But everytime we put the key in the ignition, the stupid car alarm would go off. I'd say it went off 5 times during the night. So we were stuck with closed windows and closed doors. && we kept waking up her parents and we kept ticking them off whenever the alarm would go off. Then we decided we were all going to run back to tent and sleep there because we were too hot. And note, this was all at 2 in the morning. So of course, the last time we go out, the alarm Doesn't go off. Nick just opened the door and emma was waiting to press panic to turn it off, and it doesn't go off. then we all run out and run to the tent. But I had to pee, so I stopped at the camper and I guess Nick stopped in the forest. Haha. I didn't know that. So I got back to the tent and I was like "Don't you have to pee?!?!" and he goes "No I got it ;)" Haha. Then as soon as we hit the tent, Angelica passed out. She was so tired. Then emma took my ipod and turned it on full blast and put it in both ears. So she couldn't hear anything at all. It was just me and nick. At this point, we both knew we liked each other too. We admitted it to each other. Hah. So we start talking about the most random things. Like how the ocean is wet. ?? LOL but I feel really calm around him. You know when you go past a guy you like and you get all shaky and don't know what to say and your stomach just drops? Well I don't around him. I feel totally comfortable talking to him. I don't get nervous and blank out. I get butterflies(: But isn't that good? It sounds really weird and adults probably think that I shouldn't be that way yet. That I shouldn't be hanging out with boys or be comfortable around boys? But whatever. No we aren't THAT close. We don't kiss or anything, so don't worry. I'm happy. & so we are alone in the tent. Its pouring rain out, and occasionally lightning would light up the whole tent and you could see everyones face. Hah. We had no light in the tent. The flashlight died. So all we had was lightning. Oh and the whole time we were scared of Michael Meyers coming and getting us. AHHH. Then we both laid down. At first it went Angelica Emma Nick Me. But then I was on the wet side, and Nick kept asking if I wanted to switch with him, but I kept saying no. So then I went down by everyones feet. Then we both passed out. All I remember is Nick constantly kicking my arm and sometimes my head. Emma and Angelica didnt' move at all. I was so close to throwing a pillow at him. :D Then we woke up and Nick wasnt there. We came to find out he woke up and went in the camper. Then we all went dirt biking again. Then we came home. As soon as I got home, I took a shower, then fell asleep on the couch for 3 hours.

Then I stayed home Tuesday. I was really sore from dirtbiking. My back and arms hurt so bad. It was so hard to walk.




Oh and one more thing. For any of you who think I'm not okay or that I'm super depressed or that I'm suicidal or anything, I'm NOT!!!! I'm HAPPY. Oh and if you question it, don't go ask somebody else. Ask me. Text me(: I'm in control of my brain, my body. I know my thoughts. Others don't know what I'm thinking. But you all know I'm not stupid. I'm not going to hurt myself. First of all, there's no way in the world I'm stupid enough to do it, and second of all, I don't have the guts or pain tolerance to hurt myself anyways. But that doesn't mean I'm thinking about it or anything. I am 110% serious, I'm here to stay. I'm happy. Okay? Please & Thanks(:

Scratch that.

I'm NOT happy. I have the worst friends ever. I hate everything at the moment. I SOOOOOOO need to be with my family right now. I need to be around everyone. Everyone who knows Katie. I just need to talk about her with people. If I don't soon, I will go crazy, and I will drop to where I was beforee. I really don't want that.
I REALLY HATE MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Guess What?

I'm happy! Well, according to Emma I am. She says "Even though you may be mad, I can still tell you're happy." So apparently I'm happy.

But I've been going through alot of drama lately. Girl stuff.

Hatred.

Have you ever been stuck with somebody you REALLY hate? Gosh I cannot stand 14 more days with my teacher. My social studies teacher, to be exact. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO close to yelling at her. I will take the consequence for that, because she deserves it. She is the WORST. So, here's where it begins.
She is only 26. Yeahh. I remember once, not too long ago, my friend said a GREAT line. My english teacher walked in and told us about some klutzy moments my social studies teacher had. But that's not why shes a bad teacher - I will get to that later. But anyways, she tells us. & also, my friend doesnt like her either. And my friend, her name is Angelica, whispers:
"And we are getting our brains from her." I started cracking up!!!

Now, I know Emma knows of her too. I've texted her once or twice about her. The real reason I hate her is because she judges us without knowing us. She only likes preppy girls. Now I'm not saying preps are bad either, its just that ticks me off. It's because she is the cheerleading coach. So, of course, she will like them. Since me and my friends wear skinny jeans and eyeliner (NOT THICK EITHER), she doesnt like us. So whatever. I'm not going to change me for her, especially since I don't like her(:

But she assumes we do everything bad. Like we are bad girls. Well there are 5 of us that we usually hang out with, and 3 of us are in honors classes. Do you think we would be bad?? NOOOOO. & We aren't either. My mom doesn't get that either :P I'm not trying to be mean or point out anyone, but WE DON'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! We get A's in classes, we participate, there is no reason for our teacher to hate us.

Here is an example:
Last week, we had some carnival thing for school. And at the end the teachers had prizes, and we got to pick stuff out with the tickets we recieved at the carnival. Nobody in my friends got pixie sticks. NOBODY. I hate them. But then our social studies teacher comes up to us and says
"You guys need to go pick up your mess over there"
and we are like "What mess? We didn't make a mess"
and she goes "The pixie stick mess. Wasn't that you"
and we are like "NO! we didn't even get pixie sticks"
Then we just walked away.

Apparently somebody ripped open like 5 pixie sticks and dumped them on the floor. And we get blamed for it. I don't see. It makes NO sense. I wanted to scream sooooooooooo loud. We already reported her once, from that time she called us bad influences. We talked to the counselor, Mrs.Peterson, who I have been seeing. And she told the school board of something like that about it. I don't know where that went.

Also, the teacher was laid off over last summer. But they had to bring her back because they were low on teachers. Pretty lame. She was laid off because she was the youngest, and they just had to bring her back. Goshhhh. 14 more days... can I do it without blowing? (:

Thoughts

So it's getting to that time, where my dad starts planning our yearly trip to Port Washington. He keeps talking and talking about it, when I dont want to even think about it. He keeps talking about what we should do. And asking me what I want to do and I just say "I dont know". Then you all know he gets his angry mood and goes off.

I don't want to think of the 4th of July. Last year it was such a dreadful experience. I had that awful stomach issue with puking every 5 minutes. I remember I was so scared to evenn go to the parade because I felt sick the whole time. It was also just the day after the funeral. The day after we spread her ashes. The day after....

I remember it so vividly. I remember sitting next to Danny and Josh at the parade. I remember Emma, Chloe, Chase, Rachel & Nichole McNulty, and some other friends of theirs coming into our hotel room and swimming in the pool with them. And me, feeling sick the whole time. Constantly running to the bathroom to throw up. Knowing that yesterday, I held my aunts ashes in my hands. Knowing that 11 days earlier, she was still alive. That 11 days earlier... I lost her. We lost her. I feel so selfish when I say that. "I lost her" "I miss her". Everyone does, I know that.

I don't think I will be having much fun this 4th of July. Especially if we are forced to go up to Port Washington AGAIN. Gah that place gets so boring. It's the same thing year after year. Same shops. Same port. Same stinky dead fish smell. Same complaining about the "heat". You'd think he'd be over it by now. We've been through the shops atleast 7 times now. Nothing changes. It's so old.

Mm... The thought of summer. Sounds great when I'm in school. But then I remember, only 10 days and I'm going to be crying alot. Only a week until the day. I still have pictures on my phone from June 20. The last day I heard her voice. The pictures are me and Hannah in the car on the way to great-grandmas for lunch. That was where I last heard Katie's voice. Forever. No, I didn't talk to her. It's just - as we all know- Grandma's phone is extremely loud, so when she was talking to Katie, we could hear too. (: But in the pictures, my smile is different. I see more glow in my eyes. More joy and glee in my smile. I may try now, to smile like that. But it's not the same. I'm still reembering, still suffering. And I'm just going to have to learn to accept that. And learn to not let it hold me back. Eventually, it will happen. Eventually....

Whooosh.

I'm dreading the thought of next month.

That was my line this morning on the way to school. Which then lead me to being unable to concentrate all day today. Now I am sooo tired. I have been up doing homework. My english student teacher is the worst. She told us Monday that we had a project due tomorrow, and it's one of our only grades this quarter.

But anyways- about the subjeect of this post.
I keep thinking about that. I started crying twice in school, I just hid under my hood. Once in choir and once in gym. That line this morning kind of ruined my day... just causing me to think of it constantly.

It feels no way at all that it has been a year already. I remember it like it was last week. I supposed that is the way it will always be, with someone so close to you. The whole thought of it just sucks. I'm afraid to go to school, incase somebody see's me crying. Yeah, my friends know I cry, but you know middle school. Everyone is in everybody's buisness. I hear "whats wrong? why are you crying?" Well there really isnt an answer to that. I'm crying because I'm thinking? Because I'm sad? How is that?

I don't know. I don't know what to do these days. Apparently I've been 'scaring' people lately. Well I am fine. I have waves. Happy, then sad. I usually go through that process 5-6 times a day. But I move on fast.

I just can't imagine next month. Yet, I'm going to know how it feels in a month. Now I can only wonder... and fear.


*Just so you know, I'm on a really high depressed streak. I may sound terrible? its just right now. I don't know. But I reallly hate it, and I can't get rid of it. *

Past few weeks.

So I've had alot to tell... but I haven't felt like typing alot latley. But now I kind of do, so here I go.
I will start with last friday April 25.
School was a normal day. But then right after school I went to get my haircutt. In the moment, I had no idea how I wanted my hair cut. So I was last, looking through hair books until Chelsea said something. She said side bangs would look good. So I got them. They are way shorter than I wanted them to be... but they are still cute.
Saturday April 26.
John came up to hang out with Hannah and me while my mom was at school. He came up, then we went to the outlet mall trying to find John some long pants. Apparently he forgot about cold weather. ;) But we had no luck. So then we went to great-grandmas house and we were there for about 3 hours. We mostly sat and talked. And we cleaned her ceiling, because it was "really dirty" according to her. ;) Then my mom came a met us there. After we got out of there, we went to Katies Meadow. We spread some wild seeds by Katie's spot and left some flowers to blow around. It was super windy, we could hardly walk. But it's nice to just be there, it's so peaceful and free. Then on our way back to the car, we met Dave Cashman. He and John went back through Katies Meadow to plan the walk, while we left. Then we met Hannahs babysitter and some friends at the strip mall across from there. Then we went to Salutos with them.
The week following was pretty normal. Nothing big. I think my teachers are alot more aware of what they say. If I haven't told already, I had a talk with one of my teachers about some things they say, and she told the rest of them. Nothing has been said lately.
But Friday May 2, something happened. We do currentevents in social studies. We just have to write about something that happened during the week. One girl did an article about this.
Have you heard of the movie Semi-pro? Will Ferrel was shooting it. Well I guess there was a scene in it where he wrestled a life grizzly bear. And the bear was in training/taming. Well, the bear killed its tamer. They were in training or something and it bit it or something and the trainer died. So of course, it was all over the news and everything. The girl started talking about it, and I just slunk down. But then after class my teacher called me over. She said
"Sorry about the article. I tried to stop talking about it and move on. I'm sorry about it."
I think that shows that atleast she is more aware of her surroundings. Which I'm happy about it because all of that was building up in my head.
Then Friday night I had a sleepover with 4 of my friends. It was so much fun.
Now I'm home sick.

P.S. To chloe- who thinks she can annoy me. I will just unplug my phone lines and not check my email. Its not that hard. :D Haha. Justkidding(: I love you.