Thoughts

So it's getting to that time, where my dad starts planning our yearly trip to Port Washington. He keeps talking and talking about it, when I dont want to even think about it. He keeps talking about what we should do. And asking me what I want to do and I just say "I dont know". Then you all know he gets his angry mood and goes off.

I don't want to think of the 4th of July. Last year it was such a dreadful experience. I had that awful stomach issue with puking every 5 minutes. I remember I was so scared to evenn go to the parade because I felt sick the whole time. It was also just the day after the funeral. The day after we spread her ashes. The day after....

I remember it so vividly. I remember sitting next to Danny and Josh at the parade. I remember Emma, Chloe, Chase, Rachel & Nichole McNulty, and some other friends of theirs coming into our hotel room and swimming in the pool with them. And me, feeling sick the whole time. Constantly running to the bathroom to throw up. Knowing that yesterday, I held my aunts ashes in my hands. Knowing that 11 days earlier, she was still alive. That 11 days earlier... I lost her. We lost her. I feel so selfish when I say that. "I lost her" "I miss her". Everyone does, I know that.

I don't think I will be having much fun this 4th of July. Especially if we are forced to go up to Port Washington AGAIN. Gah that place gets so boring. It's the same thing year after year. Same shops. Same port. Same stinky dead fish smell. Same complaining about the "heat". You'd think he'd be over it by now. We've been through the shops atleast 7 times now. Nothing changes. It's so old.

Mm... The thought of summer. Sounds great when I'm in school. But then I remember, only 10 days and I'm going to be crying alot. Only a week until the day. I still have pictures on my phone from June 20. The last day I heard her voice. The pictures are me and Hannah in the car on the way to great-grandmas for lunch. That was where I last heard Katie's voice. Forever. No, I didn't talk to her. It's just - as we all know- Grandma's phone is extremely loud, so when she was talking to Katie, we could hear too. (: But in the pictures, my smile is different. I see more glow in my eyes. More joy and glee in my smile. I may try now, to smile like that. But it's not the same. I'm still reembering, still suffering. And I'm just going to have to learn to accept that. And learn to not let it hold me back. Eventually, it will happen. Eventually....